i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
