It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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