I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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