someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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