It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
