Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
