***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
