So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Why is there bacon in the couch?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
