I like to think it a success when the cops are called
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
