I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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