Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
