We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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