I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
