bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
