I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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