I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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