u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
