he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
