I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
