Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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