a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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