They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
