i don't plan on having that self control this summer
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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