The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
BRING THE BAGELS
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Randomize
