i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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