The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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