I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
This baby is an asshole
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
