I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
