i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
