And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Randomize