I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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