I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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