After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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