he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
