Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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