yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
