You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Randomize