Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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