So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
