I feel like I'm in dance class right now
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
