You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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