: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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