Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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