He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
