I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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