he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
