the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
