He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Randomize
