1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Don't make out with my wife yet
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize