Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
