the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Randomize
