4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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