At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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