My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
