they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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