take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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