I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize