Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
