I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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