Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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